URGENT MESSAGE

16 December 2011

TO: ALL BOOKED-UPPERS

FROM: PSEUDONYMOUS BOSCH

SUBJECT: THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET

There has been a terrible mistake!

Months ago, when my mind was occupied with other things like, oh, saving the world (or at least my own skin), I was asked if I approved of my book, THE NAME OF THIS BOOK IS SECRET, being given away to students in the UK, or if I was all “booked up.” I hastily replied that indeed I was booked up, meaning that I was very busy at the moment—in particular I had just been booked into a very exclusive resort hotel in Mexico that for some reason everybody referred to as a “jail.” (True, the food wasn’t very good, and there plenty of rats and people in chains, and I barely escaped alive, but that’s another story.) The last thing I wanted to think about was the awful possibility of more people getting their hands on my dangerous and extremely secret book.

Well, you know the rest. As it turns out, Booked Up is the name of a reckless, irresponsible, and altogether disreputable organization that distributes books to innocent and unsuspecting young people. Hopefully, it’s not too late to undo the damage. I’m very sorry, but if—through no fault of your own, I’m sure! — you have managed to acquire a copy of my book, you will have to destroy it immediately.

Here are the methods I would recommend, but feel free to improvise:

Water. Drowning is always a good way to destroy a book. But make sure you leave the book submerged long enough so that it starts to disintegrate. We don’t want the wrong person to rescue the book later and dry it in the sun.

Fire. Of course, I do not condone playing with fire. If, however, there happens to be a fire already burning in your hearth, feel free to toss in your book when nobody’s looking.

Pen and ink. Fight ink with ink! Write over every single page. And don’t miss a word.

Sword. If you happen to have a sword handy, or a bayonet for that matter, a good hard thrust into the heart of the book will do the trick.

Explosives. Never mind. Probably overkill. Not recommended.

Poison. Usually, only works on people reading books, not on books themselves. But you never know.

Car, truck, or train. Leave the book in the path of a moving vehicle or locomotive. Watch what happens.

Brute strength. When all else fails, you can always use your hands. Rip pages. Throw book against the wall. Repeat.

And, last but not least….

Read. Don’t tell anybody you heard it from me, but the best way to show a book who’s boss is to read it. That way you’ll know everything the book does and more.

Thank you for your help. My apologies for any inconvenience my book may have caused.

Secretly yours, PB